Wed. May 18th, 2022

This time of year I give 50% of what I spend to charity.

20% of that, I give to a friend that is struggling.

The last few years, it has been the same friend. I have paid late bills for her, I have bought her gift cards & I have gotten her shoes.

She hardly thanks me. Mostly I do not mind because I know I am helping her & I would like to think if the roles were reversed, she would do the same for me.

Then I noticed that she gives huge shout outs to people that sent her gifts on Facebook.

She has never done this for me.

I realise that the person she did this for is a man and that is flirting – but still. It made me wonder where her loyalties are.

The charities I give to I know I am helping save the republic or reproductive rights.

I will not give to friends this year. I will give to charities and stay off of social media. It is not how I prefer it, but it seems like the best way to go about it. I should not expected to do these things. I give because I care. I give because I want to help.

I do not want fanfare for it.

But fuck, if you can thank one person, you should remember the sturdy friend that has always been there for you.

Yes, this is a reoccurring theme. No, I do not plan on bringing it into the new year.

No more fair-weather friends.

edited: and I naturally forgot one of my commitments to myself – not to take what other’s do personally. It reflects on them, not me. If I give my love out freely & it is used for a purpose I did not intend, I know I gave it with all of my heart & it’s misuse is on them.

Not taking being treated poorly personally is hard.

You see it so clearly on social media. You can see your value to someone there in real time. Do you get birthday/holiday greetings on your wall or theirs (or neither)? Do they only speak to you when they are lonely? Do you feel like you could do the same?

I have noticed with the person I walked away from that not only do I have ZERO presence on their social media but I have sent him at least a dozen gifts over the years.

I cared for him so each item was a tiny piece of my heart.

When I talk to people about him, I am reassured that most women have someone like him in their past – they just let go of them years previously.

…we know how well I do that.

It is better now that I can see with my own eyes where I fit in his life. He plasters his loved ones all over his e-life.

I am not one of those people.

The friend I have been tending to with breadcrumbs of charity is not looking for my help either. She wants a soul-mate that she can post pictures of and who can blame her? When we seek validation via the interwebz, what I give is beans & peas.

It is love that is true and lasting.

Oh dear hearts, I will remember that it is you, not me but it is not in my nature to stay in my lane & not love too much.

This is a nasty side-effect of my behaviour & you would think I would be more gracious at taking bucketfuls of my medicine.

GROW UP GIRL NOT EVERY ONE HAS A HEART LIKE YOU

(good thing what a mess each conversation would be:

“What can I do to help?”

“No, how can I help you”

“I should suss things out for you, yeah?”

“No, girl, I got you.”

“Nah, I have more experience-”

“You have a greater need-”

“I have more time!”

“I have better resources!”

FUCKING HELL!

😬)

Alright, I am done talking to myself now.