You can chase it home straight from school

My intuition was correct yet again. I am so pleased I stuck to my guns and ignored that one. I hate it that it was right but at the same time, yay?

I made a post some weeks ago (that I have now deleted) that paired me up in an astrological sense with someone I went out with that I did not really have much in common with. He got weird with me because I was ill and did not text with him while I was not feeling well.

Weeks went by & suddenly I get a message in my unknown sender’s list (I had removed him from my contacts, it had been a while since we spoke and it was awkward when we did. I thought it was best we did not talk again) asking me for half of the taxi fare from when we went out one night.

I laughed.

I sent it to him and blocked his number. I said nothing, just did as he wished and left it alone. I had already removed him from everywhere we were we connected… it felt so odd that he did that.

Men.

I was not feeling it but he seemed nice enough and is there ever enough nice in your life? I was clearly wrong about the nice as well because who the hell does that? “Hi, I was doing my finances of the past weeks and noticed that I spent money I probably should not have, could you help me square this up?”

Yeah, I can. I almost feel like I should send him the rest of the fare. Like clearly he really needed it. Poor dear. /:

Or he was being a jerk. Fuck. Now I cannot tell. I have to ask a friend.

Friend says it sounds like he was being sour because he did not pick up that I was sick (even though he knew I was, I told him) and he thought I was dissing him.

And people wonder why they are single.

“Melinda? Do you wonder why you are single?”
“Nope, I know damn well why I am single. I am not settling for anyone’s bullshit. I am a lot but I do not see that as a hindrance, I also give a whole lot. Anyone that thinks I am too much obviously is not enough for me.”

 

But still, everything is broken

I have paused my business Instagram for a spell because it was getting too busy but I think I paused the wrong account – I think I will post one more picture at the end of the year on my personal account and then pause it and in a few weeks pay more attention to my business and no attention to my personal account. I may not delete it, but I will put it on private (for now). I have years worth of pictures on there… so many memories! But I am not enjoying myself. I am tired of pretending like I care about other people’s paper lives as well. The ONE e-friend that I care for I speak to on my business account so I will not miss out on her life so no loss.

I will ditch the scale. It is a noose around my neck anyway. I will keep my Fitbit because without it, I may sit on my ass all damn day (not a true statement but I like to be kept accountable for my activity).

I have gotten rid of most of the clothes that have been hanging off of me like a scarecrow. I got tired of Paul asking me if I was still losing weight because of how ill-fitting my cardigans were. I like to hide behind my baggy clothes – I feel safe in them. Yes, I know they look ridiculous but I am not looking to open a fashion house any time soon. We get our strength from where ever we can.

I like knowing I will have less and less of a reason to hold my mobile in my hand.

Oh, what in the world did we do before we had smartphones? Right, I read obsessively. Like 3 or 4 paperbacks a week.

This technology has helped us how?

Remember: Nam-tor ves.

Strength to the moon

I did a 12 card reading for twenty20. The first nine months look solid. The last three look like trouble. I mean, depending on what The Emperor is up to (because he is an uncompromising bastard), it could be the last four months (or he could be the catalyst).

Naturally the summary is The Wheel of Fortune because it always is. Temperance again? That is twice now. Years went by & I never drew her & now she pops up.

Okay, I hear you, Tempy. I am not sure what balancing act/duality I will need to do in February but I am aware of it now. Or is it more self-reflection? I will spend the whole month of January with some hippies doing that so I hope I am done with that come February!

May could have a veil lifted so my path will become more clear (or I could make a decision that I have to pay a debt on)?

To Aces in a row? I am going to be buzzing around like a bee, OH! That is June & July! Of course I will be! Busy times!

The Emperor being there makes a bit nervous but that is a long time from now and a lot of these cards are minor arcana so so much can change.

The first two months are majors so Strength & Temperance? My heart leads me 100% so it will begin with no issues.

thanks but

If you are going to ask me if it was worth brushing my hair for, I am going to say, meh.

it was not a hard meh,
just a meh.

It was an okay night out, but I shall probably not see him again. He was nice enough but there was no immediate chemistry. We had enough in common as well. There was just no… spark.

Without that, I cannot bother. There is no excitement.

This is the immediate drawback to dating in person vs online dating.

Online dating allows you to fantasise about the person. You can create a better persona to superimpose over the actual person. Meeting right away, you never get the chance to make up the best possible version of that person with the stuff you like already.

It is sort of a bummer for people that live in their head 99% of the time.

You know, like me.

The only really positive aspect of dating like this is that you put a lot less time into the person so when you choose to walk away, you did not invest much into them so… no loss.

I am just beginning to wonder if this will eventually cause a problem because I have only gotten involved with one person like this? Even when I was younger, I did not date organically. I met people through friends of friends and we chatted on the phone or through letters for ages before we got together.

People seem so 2-dimensional.

New moon character spread sheet

-must adore star trek
-knows Star Wars is garbage
-not neurotypical is a plus
-is silly
-is articulated
-is history based to my philosophy foundation
-will not think much of my quirks (perhaps even think they are endearing)
-is open-minded & honest
-plays D&D and or vampire
-has patience
-enjoys camping
-is close to his family
-MUST LIKE CATS
-wants a LTR
-will play Pokemon go with me
-will talk daily to me even if it just to say hello or good morning/good night
-glasses are also a plus
-is reasonably tidy
-will think I am beautiful
-will not try to change me
-must love cheese
-also, board games
-will understand that I need time by myself (a lot)
-will let me be the small spoon
-role playing is important
-extroverts are scary
-must enjoy learning
-seaside >mountains
-understands that humanity is fucked but still has a deep desire to help anyway
-…but would still find a deserted island and run away to it on a moments notice and never look back
-knows capitalism=racism and without the murder of capitalism, racism will never “go away” so whining about it or protesting against it will never stop it. End capitalism, end racism and never in the reverse.
-agrees that the doom soundtrack is amazing
-will string a hammock in the forest and watch birds fly by for an entire afternoon no matter the season because what the hell else do we have to do?

Tagged :

afternoon tea

We are having visitors from the UK so we will have afternoon tea. Putting together the menu has been a damn delight because I have something seriously wrong with me it seems.

The kids are getting cabin fever so lucky for them they are going up north tomorrow.

I am going to be making birthday wishes for two men I used to kiss on Saturday.
One of them I kissed and his beard made me think that I could probably like him more without it. I whispered him away and now he is engaged to someone else (and I am joyful for him. Capricorns and I. Hm. The amount of work that is required is monumental and for him, not worth it in the long run. He wanted a breeder and I was not going to have more children for him. No way, no how. Short-term, once you got past his enormous….. ego, he was a very kind man. He lived a bit far away and he was tricky to communicate with, so. I made the decision that was best for me). I knit him a warm hat and he drew a picture of himself in the cover of his comic book. Maybe someday it will be worth something (the hat or the comic?). The other I cannot honestly say I remember much about except in words I wrote years ago. The emotions do not match the way I feel about him today but he still deserves birthday wishes.

We all deserve birthday wishes. It is the one day of the year that belongs to us. Any and all magic that comes our way is a blessing. People that care for us (even just a little) wish for our prosperity, financial stability, good health, strength and love.

When people stop wishing for us, our luck could start changing.

If I have cared for you and I know your birthday, I make wishes for you.

Naturally, if my love was invested in you, these wishes are more than just bubbles that I release for everyone else.

Some nights I can be seen sprinkling melted candle wax on crossroads or glitter or sometimes feathers depending on what I am up to.

It is always someone’s birthday.

I do what I can to keep people afloat. Life is hard. If I can help out a bit, I am happy to do it.

This night of the year has become a tradition. It made me giddy – knowing I was sending love out into the multiverse to 1.) a man that ultimately I did not want but I was thrilled to have made his acquaintance. I opted out of him, not because he was dull or anything like that – I knew in the long-run we were not suited for each other and I was happy to know that I could say no to someone and not be afraid to be alone, and 2.) a man that I once loved more than anyone else on this planet (that I did not give birth to). It has given me so much glee being able to sit in meditation sending good vibrations out to him while feeling the fabric of my life change because I allowed myself to love him unconditionally despite the fear I had of what would happen to me if I was found out. I have become a lighter, happier, kinder human because I just loved.

We all make our own birthday wishes when we are children and we blow out our candles. This is making our desires known for others. I can blow out my candle and wish for my cake to be chocolate (a wish I have made more than once!) but it is a better wish to ask for a healthy relationship for someone that you love that you know is suffering in their existing relationship.

Loving someone means wanting them to be happy.

I am very aware that I have not been loving myself very well. I thought in order for ME to be HAPPY I needed x, y & z. I did not understand that I had everything I needed already in my life to make myself happy and to KEEP myself happy.

Reminding myself of this is a daily practice. I am such a brat. This is why I try to limit my social media presence (I have removed facebook and 30% of the people I was following on instagram). Reading the news is going to go out next but ooooh, how am I going to live without politics?

All of the hatred in politics are killing my soul.

This post has been something else. I sat down to write about petit-fours. How did I get here?

I am not looking forward to the numbers of twenty20 but yeah, I am looking forward to what comes next.

So it is over and I survived!

Christmas is done!

Yaaaaaaaay!

It was a quiet & a really surprisingly lovely time. I got to video chat with my brother and he entertained Bowie for a while with some silly filters that B was HIGHLY amused by.

I got a few texted from my closest friends.

It was nice (no lies).

Now it is done and I am relieved.

On the New Year’s – the red-headed stepchild of holidays.

I have a very informal date tomorrow that I should consider brushing my hair for.

Huzzah, we beat the fat white-bearded dude once more!

‘Til next year, Saint Nick! 🎅🏽

Christmas Day two, the never ending story

Things that would make me sad to live without (no order):

  1. Peanut butter filled clif bars
  2. Carbonated water
  3. Heated blanket
  4. Espresso
  5. Lucy & yak corduroy dungarees
  6. Dr. Martens
  7. Wool to knit with
  8. Rice + millet + potato flours to bake with
  9. Spotify
  10. Record stores
  11. My reusable coffee mug + my tin water bottle
  12. Peanuts
  13. red lipstick (ruby woo)
  14. Flowers, herbs, wild life to make oils from
  15. Naps
  16. Cheese
  17. Moleskine + a pen + my book bag
  18. A down pillow & blanket
  19. A tarot deck
  20. Love
  21. Sunshine
  22. The sea
  23. Wanderlust
  24. Silliness
  25. Sci-fi

Things I would like less (none) of:

  1. Consuming thoughts
  2. Psychic vampires
  3. Fair weather friends
  4. Cold French fries
  5. Artificial sweeteners
  6. Beer
  7. Work out/diet photos on my Instagram feed
  8. Star Wars
  9. Disney
  10. Food pictures with meat
  11. Selfies with snapchat filters on my social media feeds
  12. Fishing/hiking/hunting photos on my social media feeds
  13. Trump
  14. Hatred
  15. Anti-blackness
  16. CNN/Fox News
  17. Ice
  18. Brexit
  19. Homelessness
  20. Capitalism
  21. Boring people/chit chat/small talk
  22. Brown shoes/khakis
  23. The desire to fit in
  24. Bullies/mean people
  25. Overtly violent tv shows

Christmas Day one.

Yas!

Man, this week has been a trial. Between Brexit and the impeachment and my awful MRI and ugh Christmas shoppers.

I have had no time to recharge. I want to lie in every day and that is not like me at all.

I got some snarky message today that totally turned me off. I deleted the message and if it is not corrected, I will delete that person’s number. They knew I felt gross after my hospital visit and if all they can focus on is my lack of attention on them then they can deyo.

Nothing like, “hey how are you?” (alternately?)

I will meditate on it. Seems like the best thing to do. I can not control how people treat me but I really need to be kinder to myself (Do – Re – Mi – Fa – Sol – La – Ti – Do).

Happy Yule. 🌲✨

Cup of kindness

This time of year I give 50% of what I spend to charity.

20% of that, I give to a friend that is struggling.

The last few years, it has been the same friend. I have paid late bills for her, I have bought her gift cards & I have gotten her shoes.

She hardly thanks me. Mostly I do not mind because I know I am helping her & I would like to think if the roles were reversed, she would do the same for me.

Then I noticed that she gives huge shout outs to people that sent her gifts on Facebook.

She has never done this for me.

I realise that the person she did this for is a man and that is flirting – but still. It made me wonder where her loyalties are.

The charities I give to I know I am helping save the republic or reproductive rights.

I will not give to friends this year. I will give to charities and stay off of social media. It is not how I prefer it, but it seems like the best way to go about it. I should not expected to do these things. I give because I care. I give because I want to help.

I do not want fanfare for it.

But fuck, if you can thank one person, you should remember the sturdy friend that has always been there for you.

Yes, this is a reoccurring theme. No, I do not plan on bringing it into the new year.

No more fair-weather friends.

edited: and I naturally forgot one of my commitments to myself – not to take what other’s do personally. It reflects on them, not me. If I give my love out freely & it is used for a purpose I did not intend, I know I gave it with all of my heart & it’s misuse is on them.

Not taking being treated poorly personally is hard.

You see it so clearly on social media. You can see your value to someone there in real time. Do you get birthday/holiday greetings on your wall or theirs (or neither)? Do they only speak to you when they are lonely? Do you feel like you could do the same?

I have noticed with the person I walked away from that not only do I have ZERO presence on their social media but I have sent him at least a dozen gifts over the years.

I cared for him so each item was a tiny piece of my heart.

When I talk to people about him, I am reassured that most women have someone like him in their past – they just let go of them years previously.

…we know how well I do that.

It is better now that I can see with my own eyes where I fit in his life. He plasters his loved ones all over his e-life.

I am not one of those people.

The friend I have been tending to with breadcrumbs of charity is not looking for my help either. She wants a soul-mate that she can post pictures of and who can blame her? When we seek validation via the interwebz, what I give is beans & peas.

It is love that is true and lasting.

Oh dear hearts, I will remember that it is you, not me but it is not in my nature to stay in my lane & not love too much.

This is a nasty side-effect of my behaviour & you would think I would be more gracious at taking bucketfuls of my medicine.

GROW UP GIRL NOT EVERY ONE HAS A HEART LIKE YOU

(good thing what a mess each conversation would be:

“What can I do to help?”

“No, how can I help you”

“I should suss things out for you, yeah?”

“No, girl, I got you.”

“Nah, I have more experience-”

“You have a greater need-”

“I have more time!”

“I have better resources!”

FUCKING HELL!

😬)

Alright, I am done talking to myself now.