The last day of November 😢

Emotional connections to holidays are often about holidays of the past, whether good or bad, correct?

But what about holidays of now?

You are not a child anymore. There is nothing cute about the commercialism of any major holiday. Unless you swear off shopping and only sit in a room with your loved ones and eat toast (alternately, buying from local stores), you are feeding the rich and contributing to the demise of this planet.

As an adult, I see through the illusions of these made-for-over-shopping holidays. They make you feel bad for yourself when you do not have the cookie cutter family or a significant other. If you do not receive any gifts or you do not have anyone to give gifts to – you are a loser. Or if you have the people to love and no money to buy things for, you need to put yourself into debt to show them how much you love them.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

How does this say HAPPY HOLIDAYS?

When will people say enough?

I have been asking my friends that enjoy the holidays (and there are a few) what they like about it. Every one of them say it stems from happy childhood memories. My confusion is how they can still be living in the past and the present at the same time?

I thought we were not supposed to do that?

Or am I not understanding the sentiment?

I remember Christmas being nice because we got presents so I was sure Santa was real but then it was bad because we had to cook all day for my uncles to come over to eat. They all had money and we were poor and they never gave us any money to help out. They just ate and left us to do all the dishes and they harassed me and my brother once they were drunk.

So these are my memories from childhood about Christmas. Am I supposed to carry them into my present and dislike the holidays because of them?

No, I dislike the holidays because the charity that the holiday is built on is ignored completely for the mass capitalism. I have a delightful time with my family every year. I do not go ga ga for the “holiday spirit” is all.

I donate what I can and then I try to give more. That makes me feel hopeful and glad. No gift that I give to any family member or friend does that. I know that they do not need anything like homeless people do. Or people without clean drinking water or those that live in domestic violence shelters.

We should give all year, even if it is just a bit, but this time of year we should give a bit more because that is the whole goddamn idea. Christmas – giving like he would have. And whether you are a believer or not, you get the point.

(I fell asleep while posting this, it was 2am and I had been out previously. Please excuse any grammatical errors, my heart was in the right place even though my head was all over!)

Check-in

To me

it seems weird to call someone the love of your life

until you are looking back at your life

when you are like 80 or 90.

To say it when you are like 20 or 30 and you have been together for less than 60 years seems less than a lifetime, no?

Just a thought.

Also, when I think of what I want for the love of my life

I want to feel it with all of my senses

even logic.

And logically, if you cannot look at me and think,

“Damn girl, you have eternity behind those eyes.”

Then, I would rather not waste energy on you. No worries, though. I will know if you think that way or not. I pay attention. I know I like the ones best that like me the least but my desire to torment myself has ended.

I decided if I needed to ask all the questions and give all the answers I can also let you get yourself off too.

This sea of little fish keeps getting busier and I have a big stick.

Girlfriend advice

“If he does not compliment you straight out of the gate, why is he talking the you? Men understand that there are others competing for your time, they want you to know that they are interested so you choose them.”

This is not something I took into consideration. I find the one that either creepily over compliments or never does.

At least with the one that over compliments, you know where you stand.

I will not bother much with the ones that do not compliment at all. Like why bother to move forward with someone that cannot even state why they brought you into their dating circle in the first place? I made this mistake once there was no attraction for me at all and he was so painfully awkward he would have never complimented me in a thousand year relationship.

I am not vain but a girl need to know that you want her.

Why be with someone that you are not 100% interested in? People are so weird. You cannot just reprogram the bits you do not like once you are with them.

And tinder might have been a dumpster fire, but at least I know my weekends would not be boring if I chose to date as a verb.

Right now I am happy with the way things are. If the people that I have swirling around me right now do not work out, I might give it another go in the spring.

Maybe.

Maybe not. Swallowing tacks sounds like more fun.

disconnect

so.

I disconnected facebook this morning.
Finally.

I hovered over deleted but then I would have to weed through all of the photographs and ugh.
The dead live there.

So deactivation seemed kinder to my heart.

And then I can keep messenger to talk to those that refuse to cut & run.

2 pieces of my life have been returned.

die social media, die.

Spending a few days with someone that is very connected to their phone made me hyperaware of how I do not want to be. We could not have a conversation without the mobile being part of it too.

I remember going to Mattias’ house and him having a basket that we all had to put our phones in as we entered his house. I was allowed to keep my volume on because I had kids. Everyone else had to shut theirs off.

We all were present. It was the only house that we were like that. The only house that our faces did not show up on social media. The only place that we could unwind and laugh and drink and be in each other’s grace and light without the glare of someone’s screen.

I miss this so much.

I tapped out today so I could bypass the fake Thanksgiving blessings tomorrow. No one cares about anyone besides themselves. They are not helping their neighbour. They are posting photographs about how poorly they are parking their cars or how crappy their lawn looks. They do not know if they are handicapped and unable to do any better. I just cannot with them anymore.

Freedom, darlings. I have it.
I am going to get to my yoga mat. My fatigue is still strong but better than yesterday. I think I will try some exercise and some broth & see if it helps.

I am pleased.

Cannot commit to anything but a crime

i think i may be coming down with something. it is not a full-blown-oh-my-gosh-i-am-ill. just a meh cannot get my shit together and when i get into bed i toss & turn & my dreams are full of signs i do not understand but when i wake up i am more exhausted then when i started. today i was a bit queasy so i hope whatever it is either comes and goes quickly or decides to hope over me completely.

germs are so damn gross get out of me yuck

I found this written from the 18. January 2018:

Home. 

Every time I leave, I wish I had not. 
 
Except that once that I fell over and over again in the minutes that filled up the weekend and expelled us back into Monday. 
 
There will never be another weekend like that. No-one will ever be given my heart. I have locked it up tightly in a pewter box with a ferocious medieval dragon on it with blood-red eyes and sharp as fuck claws. 
 
Flight after flight was delayed. I spent 10 hours in the airport, waiting. 
 
Home is delicious. My smalls are dreaming and my bed has pillows and blankets with feathers in them that once my head hits it, will take me into flight. 
 
I will stop chasing ghosts. 
I might never get what I want or need but I can tell you that I would rather be twisted up in the smells and familiar corners of my house than to ever put myself in danger again.  
 
No means no. 
No is not flexible. 
No does not become a mandatory yes just because yes was said previously. 
No means I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ME BUT I DO NOT CARE TO GIVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW SO FUCKING STOP ASKING AND GRABBING.
 
No means whatever I might have felt has been replaced with disgust. At myself, first for being so stupid. The second third and fourth at you (know who you are). 
 
*sighs*
 
It has occurred to me that I end up in the situation a lot. My pleas to understand my awkwardness is left unheard because they always think they can change me. Or that they will be different & I will melt for them. 
 
Nope. 
This is not going to happen. 
 
I am going to give dating a rest. Kissing all the frogs was fun but now I just want to swim without the echoing chorus of ribits. 
 
I want my freedom back. I am not going to attain it on my back. I need to be facing forward so I can see clearly what is ahead of me. My heart and its strings will be plucked by the right person at the right time. 
 
If ever. 
I have to be alright with this. 
 
I am not…
but I will be. 

 

Twinkle twinkle little bat

I am so tired, girl.

I just want to lay in bed and listen to podcasts with my eyes closed.

I lost a whole day of this week while making plans. Wednesday did not exist.

I had to cancel a reading for today. I had no focus. I just barely got my steps in. I made the laziest pasta dinner & I folded clothes but they are still in the baskets.

I want all of the mint chocolate but mostly just to sniff it.

I have had a bucket of tea today and still, nothing sparked any oomph. I feel grey.

I fell asleep at the kitchen table.

My eyes are closing right now.

good night.

 

blueprint of a lifeless fig

The nature of being close to people is that some people will not love you as much as you love them. It is just the way it works – whether it is a romantic or a platonic relationship, some just do not line up with your heart.

I have been denying such a situation for DECADES.

I have cared for this man since I was 15. I manipulate time for him and he just shows up to breathe the air.

I thought it was enough because at least he showed up.

His attention has intoxicated me and made me feel special.

Now I understand that he treated dozens of people like this. I am not special.

He is an extrovert so he has the ability to control his space.

I am removing him from my life with great pain on my side – I doubt he will even notice.

I looked on his Facebook and my name does not show up. Not even once. His is on mine several times.

Same with my Instagram.

He makes art that shows all of his other friends and family.

I do not appear.

I send him things for holidays, birthdays.

I get a text message for my birthday. Not even a wall post to show the general public that we know each other.

It feels… like what it is, I guess.

I like I am his well-kept secret. I am the one he plays with when he is bored.

I have felt this way for a long time but I waited to see how he celebrated my birthday. I wanted to see if he did something different this year.

He did not.

I am walking away.

None of this honours me or my heart.

It will be easy when I delete my Facebook. He will not contact me otherwise. It will be a clean break. He never comments on my Instagram and god forbid he encourages me & follows my work page (!). It is beneath him to do such a thing.

I mean, friends do that. I support his art & send paying customers his way often.

But that is me.

In all of these years,

Not one bit of proof.

That stung.

I will not carry the weight of my friendships, my loves, on my own.

Munich, day one.

(I am sort of drunk so this text box is small and awkward. Our hotel room is pretty and Munich is nice but nothing like Berlin. Laughter has been easy and often. I feel light and happy. Birthday greeting are to be in order soon. Cheers to us both. 🖤)

the hiss of our cruel mother sea

Remember that card game “Old Maid”, The objective of the game is to continue to take cards, discarding pairs until no more pairs can be made. The player with the card that has no match is “stuck with the old maid”. Fuck that game. That is how I plan to find my future partner.

Like the Hunger Games but with coupling instead of murder and mayhem