V.51

(My outer world is an expression of my intentions.)

You know when one thing goes wrong and it gets you down, you keep thinking about it and then the day just gets worse and worse? It is in the moments of doubt that you need to assert your inner vision.

Being around SUPER negatively charged people brings me down so far that remembering to cancel uncomfortable intentions and replace them with love is difficult. They drain your energy and try to get you to bitch with them. Even as you try to gently remind them that there is nothing besides love, they complain and complain and take bits of you along with them.

exterminate! exterminate! exterminate!

I do know that some people think that they are meant to suffer and you cannot get them out of that mindset. Their vibrations are so low that it is hard to connect to them without lots of attention.

And if you are encouraged to craft your inner vision, know that giving your time to others is important.

We all make mistakes with our minds but we can correct these mistakes by restating our intentions.

V.51

(I am a dreamer.)

I might be vague about what I want here because I am trying to ignore the foot traffic & all but I know what it is that I want.

I have lived this life in my head for so long. It seems nonsensical to others & I get that. From the outside it most likely seems insane/useless/foolish. In my head, I am creating the framework for a miracle.

I share my abundance without hesitation (even though it gets me used and/or exploited). I get ridiculed as well.

I shrug it off. My life has no room for any more negativity.

If you are here to correct me, attempt to erase me or to collect ammunition to attack me with at a later date, here is my bowed head –

take what you need. Let me accommodate you so you can be on your way.

You cannot stop me from dreaming. Even as you toss your snark at me, I am surrounding myself with light so bright that you will not be able to penetrate it to cause me harm. ✌🏾

V.50

(The universe is always listening. I make my intentions clear.)

I have such an issue with this. I want something I cannot have so asking for it feels useless/cruel.

I will not get it with anything less than a fucking miracle.

Like a Jesus of Nazareth sized miracle.

sigh.

(I have more to say but I am busy 🥰)

V.48

(Music ❤️)

If you have spent any more than a few moments with me, you know that I am passionate about the music that I love. When I speak of the bands that I follow, I am saturated in their journeys. I know where they recorded my favourite albums and how they met their band members. I know band trivia and I have heard all the remixes of everything they have made.

I spend a lot of energy unravelling how and why they create.

I love to share this information with people I enjoy spending time with (whether or not the information is well received, I have never thought to ask 😂).

Music speaks to your soul and raises your vibration really high. ✨

beat on the brat

V.47 was a prayer so here I am, writing anyway.

I have some questions:
I wonder if Pringles taste good dipped in peanut butter?
Did Nancy see my Facebook post about Trump today?
How do people wear matching socks every day?
Why do I look like a pimp in a leopard print jacket when other women look so cute in them?

DO I ALWAYS LOOK LIKE A PIMP? IS IT BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE MY DAD?

Why do people wear white pants? Better than that, how do they wear them and keep them clean? I cannot wear black pants without there being crumbs, peanut butter smears, wool lint & cat fur all over them.
Why am I so short? I thought I was taller than I am for a very long time. I was measured in my dr.martens and then I translated my height in feet to cm. It was a lie. Now I am p e t i t e
it is nonsense.

it is 11:50p. I am going to attempt to sleep and dream of something besides impeachment and idiots that lie to my bae, the Queen of England.

V.46

(Speak your truth in a loving way.)

You should not chase after someone who is perfectly fine with the idea of ducking out of your world forever. You should hold out for someone who is as excited to see you as you are to see them. Someone who loves hanging out with you. Someone who believes you are worth the effort. Someone who would never disappear out of the blue because spending time without you would hurt way too much.

(and there is no bigger truth than that ♡)

 

V.45

(I choose to listen to the voice of my soul.)

It is hard for me to separate the voice of my ego and my intuition. I know the sounds of gloom & doom (hello, ego!) but when it is not that obvious, I cannot tell if I should be shooshing it away or paying it some mind.

I have been trying to feel my way through it.

Meditating has been problematic lately. I have not been setting any sigils or anything pleasurable so I have had nothing in the future to look forward to. I feel stuck. When I go inwards and try to find the root of the problem (one cannot rely on magic to solve everything!) all I get is silence. I pray harder and more often and still, silence.

I question my resolve more than I would like.

My intuition tells me that I am on the right path… at least I think it is my intuition and not my ego.

Understanding that the ego speaks in past and future terms but the soul speaks in present terms helps but not always.

It would be best if they would introduce themselves, “Hey, Melinda, this is Your Ego speaking, girl! Wassup?” or, “Hello, darling, this is Your Soul. Have you had enough water to drink today?”

I am asking for too much now, right? 😂

Television lover

V.44 was an exercise that was not to be written about (this chapter seems to have a few of these) so.

I went to a friend’s bachelorette party tonight. One of the places we went, we got bombarded by some British guys. After making a few tacky jokes about them colonising us (I could not help it), some strange conversation started. They were all reasonably nice, one was a bit intense but one was quite kind. He spent some time trying to soften me up which I was quick to let him know was useless. I explained to him that I was not looking to 1.) hook up, 2.) fall in love, 3.) get married, 4.) grow old, with anyone.

He called my bluff.

He asked if it was him. I shrugged and said that I could not answer that, I did not know him. He asked if I thought he was unattractive. I told him that his outer appearance meant squat to me – I do not get into people by the way they look.

Then it occurred to me that I was out with seven very blonde women. This man decided to talk to me.

I asked him why.

He looked at me for a moment and spoke to me in my ear. He said, “They are pretty. You are stunning.”

I closed my eyes. I could not tell if I was going to vomit or if I was going to laugh.

One of his other friends came over and gave us drinks (that I did not drink) and I started talking to one of them. I was not drunk at all (I only had two drinks in 6 hours) so I was very aware of everything that was going on.

I heard him asking questions about me.

I gathered my things to leave.
One of the other guys got asked to leave by security. We did not catch what happened but slowly the others left. I hid behind everyone else until I knew that they were all gone.

I left about twenty minutes later.

Also, at the same time, another guy came over to talk to me. The English guy questioned why I “let him” in my space to speak to me. He was very nerdy and super awkward but I understand that so much more than men that have this much confidence.

I walked across the bar to talk to this other guy. He gave me bad vibes so I did not stay long but I had a point to make – DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE FOR FUCKS SAKE.

When I came back, I got questioned about what I did, where I was from, what I liked… and who broke me. I answered superficially because I was really uncomfortable.

but now, sitting here thinking about it, it has been a long time since someone has paid that much attention to me. And he was grown, with a job & a kid. He was not afraid of me, even after I got up with the girls and danced to Def Leppard.

One other person told me that I was beautiful and I believed him but then I found out that he was a lying jerk – I do not trust my judgement anymore.

stunning, huh?

interesting

Who am I writing these stupid dating app paragraphs to? When I get replied to, I never know what to say…

fight for your whatever

V.43 was a breathing exercise so I have nothing to write about today.

*taps on the keyboard.

Yeah, I do. I always do. I could probably write for ten hours straight. My brain is overloaded with random goo at all points in time.

So deep brain stimulation was discussed yesterday while I was at the hospital. My medication is not working to keep all the seizures at bay and this shit sounds scary. I will have an MRI when I get back from my trip and we will talk about it then.

Deep breaths.

The medication will be raised to a higher dose first to see if that helps.

Vyvanse might be put into my drug cocktail as well (whee).

I only laugh (a bit) because how did we all miss the ADHD? I mean, really? Me who cannot sit still, the multitasks like a champ & that talks at warp speed?

Ah well. Better late than never, aye?

I got a message on okc from a guy that is the carbon copy of my first boyfriend. Same name and everything. My curiosity is getting the best of me because if it is him, he would not recognise me – the last time he saw me I was double the size that I am now.

Yes, I would go out with him again. I was 13 and he broke up with me because I would not have sex with him (he was 16).  He showed up, some years later, at the goth club dressed like The Crow and goddamn. He was frightening but hot as hell. I was with someone else at the time but I was slightly regretting 13-year-old me’s decisions.

I look for him every time I go home. Not because I want to hit it (DIES) I just wonder what happened to him. I mean, I know what he is doing in his spare time, of course.

Uh, yup.

I am going to stop talking now.