crushed violets

Here I understand everything. The smells make sense. The sun is warm but not scorching. The atmosphere is soothing. The noises my mobile makes to let me know he is thinking of me should make my heart happy. Instead, I feel an incredible sense of dread.

Something is going to break.

n, fa4li4xd0jl7z tx 2htri

colourless

“You do not have to destroy the memories of the person who broke your heart. You do not have to erase them from your life and pretend that they do not exist. In fact, you do not want to do any of that, or else all this pain will have been for nothing. Just embrace the fact that you are going to hurt for a while, that you loved someone courageously and it did not work out, that you cannot regret anything or question anything because all you did was love and there is nothing wrong with that. Learn from this experience, let your heart get even larger than it was before, and never let your heartache take you. Take your heartache, because you are more powerful than you think.”

Stand by him

Interesting twenty-four hours!

I have been given a different perspective, completely. I will spend some time meditating on the complexity of this new viewpoint – my mind has been blown.

Grief, for example, is often a major cause for a black aura.

Taking all of what I know (now) into account, I shall proceed with much more kindness and light.

It symbolizes your unforgiving nature. It means you are holding on to bad feelings far longer than you should.

I noticed something was “off” but we are all weird in our own way. The more bizarre someone is, the more I tend to like them… but not in this case. I was repelled.

This can also be because of a fight that’s ongoing and still unresolved. This can be because of your fears that your partner is not being completely honest with you.

This was a battle before I came into the picture. Unfortunately, I did not know all of the details before I got involved.

It will turn black whenever you feel like you’re never going to find the love that you deserve. It will remain black as long as you keep the fear of losing and failing alive in your heart.

A black aura is not a negative color when it comes to love. It’s a good sign because it will bring your attention to the issues in your love life that you have failed to address.

All of this time, there has been an evil person and an abused. After last night’s girl gab session, I see now that I have been SO WRONG.

It is a person trying to hold on to something that they are afraid to lose because being alone seems worse than moving on and finding a better life that could bring true happiness. If they had any real friends, they would have told them this.

You should not have to manipulate someone into submission. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone that thinks the sun rises and sets on your face. You should wake every day knowing that your heart is full and cared for or at the very least – that you do not share your life with someone that is dreaming of someone else.

You are worthy of loyalty.

Even if you are the only one giving it to yourself.

I have never fucked up a situation like this in my whole life. I thought I knew what I was fighting for/against. I have talked about it in therapy, I have cried a sea of tears about it. I have dozens of journal posts pouring my heart out about it. I looked at it at every single angle

or so I thought.

I was incorrect.

I will need to forgive myself. I did not know, I meant no harm – but the harm was dealt anyway. What was thrown back at me was x1000 worse than what I did, HOWEVER, I get it now.

I see you.

I should have been paying more attention, but I trust everyone – even those that hate me. I figure if there is enough water under the bridge – YOU WILL GO YOUR WAY, I WILL GO MINE.

Nope, not in this case. I was not allowed to live my life without being watched. So I had to show that I was paying attention as well.

I did not want to any longer. I tapped out. There is no joy in it for me. It is spying on unhappiness. I would rather focus on improving my space.

I do truly wish you peace. 🌟

I am thankful for the universe’s uncanny ability to give me the guidance I need to help me understand my path. I ask and I receive.

Now to make my intentions clear so this never happens again… (easier said than done!)

Unlike

The universe has been trying to get a message through to me & I have either not been listening or I did not understand.

Next week’s new moon ends this mercury retrograde & ugh, it cannot come soon enough. So many are having difficulty communicating or just having a plain shitty time.

Me? I am scrambled with my intentions. I cannot be clear with what I want for lunch so I do not eat most days until dinner – and perhaps I would not even then if I did not have children to feed! I have no desire to do much of anything besides commune in nature and be with my loved ones. I have an alarm on my phone to remember to post things online so I do not get a weird message asking if I am okay because I am not answering anyone.

My ability to be social is not great for large stretches of time. And while dating?

Worse.

I am storing up my emotional energy to be present for another adult human. I am not really all that good at it. It generally gets better in the later stages but it is new and I am not sure which way is up.

I am not at the giggling with my girlfriends’ stage yet. If I get there, it will feel safe. Right now I am at that, “what if he does not understand this” or “what will happen when I explain this”.

I mean he knows all the big points, of course. Anyone who knows me for more than an hour does. I would not let anyone get close to me without them knowing all the worst bits first.

I know it is more common to flaunt your good attributes at the gate but I feel like that is misleading. I am amazing. You would not spend more than a few moments with me without knowing that.

That amazingness, however, has a past. Most of it I did nothing to deserve.

Some of it, I am the author of.

We all have scars. Hiding them is fine if you wear long-sleeves all the time.

I am just lousy at hiding anything.

No one has run away screaming yet but I can tell the ones that absorb it and the ones that do not care very much. One guy, I chatted with for a while dismissed completely that Will’s death anniversary was coming up shortly before we were to go on a date. I was feeling awful about the anniversary and nervous about the date and he had forgotten, completely, about it so when I was melancholy he thought it was because I did not want to go out with him.

Yeah, I never did go out with him.

All of these would-be relationships have been treated with kid-gloved where in the past, I would have just jumped in. My heart is not having any of this shit. I thought by doing the uncrossing, I would feel more… nope. No pitter-pattering in my chest when a familiar text tone goes off. Nothing. I feel better not being attached to my past feelings, of course…

I wonder if this is why he who shall not be named came back into the picture? He was easy to fixate on. I would never do anything, he would never do anything – so it was a safe and perfect place for my heart to love. It could not lead to another heartbreak.

Hmm.

This sounds very logical.

Inviting someone new, like I have now, allows the ability for love to flow in both directions. Which could be fulfilling.

Or it could be devastating.

Did I just decode the universe’s message?

shit.

as if

Sex work should be decriminalized, so as not to punish sex workers. Sex work should be regulated, in an effort to protect sex workers. But sex work should also be understood epidemiologically and historically as an overwhelmingly female occupation because of the inherent imbalances of the sexes that the spectrum of capitalism and its intersection with patriarchal folkways has enforced. The commodification of female bodies solely for male pleasure is the inevitable late stage of female objectification.

the type of guy who enjoys the subtle and exotic temptations of sushi

Can I spend the rest of my life feeling crippled by the burden of the mistakes and sins and misfortunes and the attendant psychoses of a person who often demonstrates very little natural empathy for my own issues? More to the point, can I ever get past the point of viewing things through the resentful lens I have been defensively growing [as evinced by the structure and tone of that last sentence, jeez!]? And can the other person be trusted to abandon the outmoded defensive mechanisms that complicate matters by doing nasty things to me that make me want to run and hide rather than be a good and radiant um HEY! MELINDA! Are you not supposed to be Concentrating On Other Things Also? Is that not The Whole Point?

peel

In the past you have had an abusive relationship that you have not had the strength to get away from. Your present situation leaves you confused, you feel like you are being deceived by those that you trust the most. You are tired of keeping secrets, tired of the semblance of happiness. There is someone else that you dream of, but you do not think that you deserve them. You will find a legal judgement in your favour that will leave you alone for a time. Your social life will pick up after this, allowing your creativity to bloom. Your health will continue to strengthen, your energy will be boundless.

full moon forgiveness

I posted this on the eye, but I wanted to say more about it here. I never know how public is public there – at least here I can see how often my words are being looked at.

“Under the glorious full moon, I forgive everything, everyone, every experience, every memory of the past or present that needs forgiveness. I forgive positively everyone. I also forgive myself of past mistakes. The Universe is love, and I am forgiven and governed by love alone. Love is now adjusting my life. Realising this, I abide in peace.

I bring love and healing into all of my thoughts, beliefs and relationships. I learn my lessons and move on. I call on my soul fragments to be cleansed by the Full Moon and I call on them to rejoin me. I send love to myself and everyone I know, and everyone who knows me, in all directions of time. Under this glorious Full Moon, I am healed. My life is healed. And so it is. So be it.”

As I sit in this smoky room (from burnt paper and incense) I cannot help but feel pacific. I will put on my wool coat and my docs and chase the clouds down, hoping to get a view of the moon – three months in a row she has been hidden and I miss her glow.

Happy solar eclipse, moonbeams. May your journey to the new moon be crystal.

hagclub

I did a reading for someone today that just learned that she has a twin flame. After explaining what it was, she was less than happy.

Sorry, girl.

Nice part of the reading was that she & I have met before during another life inception. It seems like some of us “many lifers” seem to be meeting up in my living room these days. Boy, we are tired.

It is not like giving up is an option for any of us because no-one likes a quitter.

So continue on we must.

New stuff is on the horizon, yeah?
I have a second date and a first one coming up.

I know, right? A second date? Well, I am not counting my chickens before they hatch. I have not gone yet. I could need to snuggle my cats or finishing a knitting project or wash my hair.

The point is that I was asked.

I am not super into doing much of anything but I know if I do not not, I never will. I want to sit home and feel bad for myself and drink sparkling water while watching life pass me by. Then when I am 90, I can tell the story about how all of my stories were bad stories.

And then I will die.

Sounds delightful and probably likely.

Why July Has Sucked So Far, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Sagittarius
You’ve been feeling restless but you’re not sure what you want, you’re not sure what would make you happy.

PREACH