these days have been silent but productive. i have an actual job that gets me outside my house (even though it is while the shop is closed). my health is improving, slowly. the tidal wave of depression that hit me last week has started to descend. tiny coffee dates spot the other hours. it always goes around full circle. the spinning does not cease until you check out.

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it is in those small, silent moments that you realise that, perhaps, life is not being very kind to you because you have had all you are going to have already. these last scenes are just to pay the bills. living in the past or visualising what delights may come is just part of the program.


we all know how the story ends.

ǝʌɐɥ ʇou op ǝʍ ʇɐɥʍ ǝʌol oʇ ǝɹnʇɐu uɐɯnɥ sı ʇı

hope against hope


symbolic gestures laid out perfectly to align with one’s desires


we may never get what we think we deserve. life has so little rhyme or reason so to think that we are entitled to anything is inane. to wish, to hope, to pray… these are dalliances we get ourselves wrapped up in to survive another day. without the dream of having what we want, most of us will see no point of continuing on.

i know what my heart tells me. my common sense tells me to ignore what my heart is jabbering about. logic helps you avoid heartbreak. listen to the Vulcan in you, girl. love is illogical.

bent fork tine

who is to say where the words come from

when you inhale your dignity and exhale lust

the common idea that only men think about sex

and women think about what colour they should paint their nails

desire does not belong to men

women can be mothers and still leave scratches down the sides of your back

and bruises

on your collarbone

it is forgotten how life is created

and men never wear the proof of its existence

they are always dapper in pinstripes and bow ties

while we struggle to put on those skinny jeans

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iced soya latte

weird day. randomly met an okc guy at starbucks. awkward chit chat led to me asking him why he stopped communicating with me. he said that he did not want to start paying for sex quite yet. confused, i said, “huh?” (because I am nothing but articulated)

he thought i was a hooker. why? because i was too pretty to talk to him. because i was out of his league.

naturally the first question i asked was, “does this happen often?” glumly, he nodded his head and said that no-one contacted him (well, besides me) that was not a working girl. he said they lie about their age to get into more search parameters.

yeah, he also thought i was in my 20s.

i have all i need here, kids. i can die quite happy now. 😂


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it was so easy

the charm of his generic picked-off-the-wall tattoo wore off before he got home to take the plastic off, he just did not know it yet.

she would have never agreed to be devoted to him, but blue eyes that twinkle like that in the streetlights are manipulating as fuck.

the breacan of the words they shared have long since recycled into dust-covered perceptions of the past (he said, she said) that neither defined.

sunlight sterilises the stardust & the notion that love has any place in the sane mind.

blink::::: ::: 01001100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100001 01110100 01101000 :::


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Will sent this to me a few hours ago but I was watching Black Panther & did not notice it. this video made my heart soar.

it hurts, yeah, to say his name out loud. he is a darling man and is quite kind to me… i remember laughing over drinks and scolding him for something silly he said, “William!”, i giggled… and then i felt sad. i drank more to numb the weird feeling in my chest.

nevertheless, he is a joy & i am glad for his presence in my life.

see, not everyone that I meet is a complete asshat.

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it appears that I cannot say, “Action Jackson”. Isobel & I have been trying to say it for five minutes… it turns into “action jackshun”

another 17th of May 🇳🇴 has come and gone. lame-o patriotic parades and stupid regional dress. I disliked this nonsense in my home country as well. I lack the nationalism gene, methinks.

nice day, all around. the sun and ice cream cones and family Skyping.

i woke up at four am in tears. i do not know what i was dreaming about.


never have I ever

  • showered with someone of the opposite sex? ✔️
  • taken a pregnancy test? ✔️
  • lied about your age? ✔️
  • been hit on by someone who was too old? ✔️
  • worn special clothes to cover up a hickey? ✔️
  • spent the night sleeping by the toilet?
  • sunbathed partially or totally naked?
  • had sex with a person whose name you didn’t know
  • gone “commando” (without wearing underwear)? ✔️
  • fooled around with someone outside in nature? ✔️
  • been embarrassed to pick up your pictures from the photo center, because you remembered what is on them?
  • skinny-dipped?
  • told someone their zipper was down or their shirt was popping open? ✔️
  • been caught fooling around by a parent or a sibling?
  • fooled around in a sleeping bag?
  • got arrested? ✔️
  • not been able to remembered how you got somewhere? ✔️
  • cheated on a test or an exam?
  • stuck out your tongue at the ATM camera?
  • used a fake I.D. and then couldn’t remember your new name?
  • burped while you were kissing someone?
  • smoked in the high school bathroom?
  • gotten so sick, that you swore off a particular food or type of alcohol? ✔️
  • played strip poker?
  • put someone’s hand in warm water to see if it would make them pee?
  • been snuck into a bar or a movie because you were underage? ✔️
  • had sex in the back seat of a car, or the back of a truck? ✔️
  • been frisked by police or by airport personnel?
  • hidden cigarettes or weed, so your parents wouldn’t know you were smoking?
  • had a dream about a teacher or someone you work with? ✔️
  • gotten a tattoo? ✔️
  • fooled around in a photo taking booth?
     (cap’n meow & I are pretty damn lame)


weeping osier

me to Martyn: “Rock bottom should not be your usual state of being. It makes anything decent that comes into your life seem like gold when it is hardly a handful of glitter.“