these days have been silent but productive. i have an actual job that gets me outside my house (even though it is while the shop is closed). my health is improving, slowly. the tidal wave of depression that hit me last week has started to descend. tiny coffee dates spot the other hours. it always goes around full circle. the spinning does not cease until you check out.
it is in those small, silent moments that you realise that, perhaps, life is not being very kind to you because you have had all you are going to have already. these last scenes are just to pay the bills. living in the past or visualising what delights may come is just part of the program.
symbolic gestures laid out perfectly to align with one’s desires
we may never get what we think we deserve. life has so little rhyme or reason so to think that we are entitled to anything is inane. to wish, to hope, to pray… these are dalliances we get ourselves wrapped up in to survive another day. without the dream of having what we want, most of us will see no point of continuing on.
i know what my heart tells me. my common sense tells me to ignore what my heart is jabbering about. logic helps you avoid heartbreak. listen to the Vulcan in you, girl. love is illogical.
weird day. randomly met an okc guy at starbucks. awkward chit chat led to me asking him why he stopped communicating with me. he said that he did not want to start paying for sex quite yet. confused, i said, “huh?” (because I am nothing but articulated)
he thought i was a hooker. why? because i was too pretty to talk to him. because i was out of his league.
naturally the first question i asked was, “does this happen often?” glumly, he nodded his head and said that no-one contacted him (well, besides me) that was not a working girl. he said they lie about their age to get into more search parameters.
yeah, he also thought i was in my 20s.
i have all i need here, kids. i can die quite happy now. 😂
Will sent this to me a few hours ago but I was watching Black Panther & did not notice it. this video made my heart soar.
it hurts, yeah, to say his name out loud. he is a darling man and is quite kind to me… i remember laughing over drinks and scolding him for something silly he said, “William!”, i giggled… and then i felt sad. i drank more to numb the weird feeling in my chest.
nevertheless, he is a joy & i am glad for his presence in my life.
see, not everyone that I meet is a complete asshat.