impie

Q: areyousadlonelydepressedhornylost?

A: NO

My journey has no printed map nor a gps location to drop a pin to. I have nothing but love, hope & sprinkles of determination to guide me. Please stop and ask yourself why you feel the need to put me in a box & stick a label on me. If you cannot correspond with me unmarked, here:

I AM ME.

Not assembly required but some parts may be missing. Do not contact the manufacturer for replacement parts for this model has been discontinued.

I read TOS(es) like other girls read TMZ. I know they will all want me to agree on giving them my firstborn white cis son and all rights to my favourite erotic literature sites… still I read their words of tangled jargon with equal parts of horror and glee.

+

YouTube is a bit like crack.

And not like plumber’s crack… more like the stuff that kids in the 80s were told not to do because it would get them hooked with one go & have them performing oral sex in alleyways for a fix.

 

 

how soon is now

1.i wear black on the outside because: black is how I feel on the inside/there is no such thing as justice, all the best that we can hope for is revenge

2.some girls wander: by mistake/that’s alright with me

3.some girls are: bigger than others/jamming good with Weird & Gilly

4.you wanna go for a ride? get in the car/smooth in my hand

5.one day while I was searching: for what I’ll never find/I found god

6.no more will my green sea: go turn a deeper blue/see the preservation of the martyr in me

7.I met a Christian in Christian sands and: a devil in Helsinki/Mr. tambourine man

8.your very first kiss was: your first kiss good-bye/at the drive-in, in the old man’s Ford

9.let’s take a walk together, near the ocean shore: hand and hand, you and I/wouldn’t be fun to ring the funeral bell

10.kind of like writing poetry: till climax/we do what comes naturally

 

precious metals

My anaemia has landed me in the hospital. I have knit a scarf, read a book, had a scientifically uncontrolled experiment (does the snapping noise come from your fingers crossing each other or from your finger hitting the palm?), played with B (he came for a visit this morning), ate crispbread with different kinds of jams, drank tea with sugar, did squats (while knitting), listened to two podcasts about murder, chatted & wandered the halls of the hospital aimlessly.  I also got caught, by a nurse, measuring my height whilst eating chocolate.

 

I am out of yarn & crispbread. I am tired of counting my steps from window to door (23 from toe to heel). I have no more sugar cubes… Fallout shelter is my last resort – I need to stage a break out soon.

fear/wonder

it jumps from the diamond ring to nothingness much like marriage  —

 

love can be willed into existence. there is no falling. that giddy feeling, endorphins, from being fucked by someone new.

 

love cannot harm. love has no ownership. love is not a feeling. love is an action.

 

lust is a feeling

like hunger, loneliness, depression, pain

love is a verb

like smiling, breathing, dancing, dying

 

maybe by the next total solar eclipse

a crack in my smile

Over the course of the past days, I have decided that I would like to stay single – indefinitely. Why should I keep putting my time & effort into someone else when I could be putting that work into myself?

I am tired of chasing people. I am exhausted with the constant battle between wanting to remain aloof but not seem disinterested. I keep putting myself into situations that make me feel worthless.

Melinda, you are valuable. You deserve better than dating apps & strange, grey conversation that you are supposed to bring colour to. You should not need to sexualise yourself to get the attention of anyone.

You are the light of so many people’s lives. Stop selling yourself short. Stop living in fear of disappointing others. Stop comparing yourself to people.

Just… stop. Full stop. Break the glass on the emergency hatchet and smash this shit up.

 

a day in the life

4a: toss & turn. whining from the grey room.

5a: weird dream that makes me uncomfortable. I cannot recall what happened.

6a: whining again. Scoop B up to let the black-haired one to sleep. B is unhappy & feverish. Drinks are given, the freckled one is watching a stupid tv show that makes me want to hurl something at the screen.

7.30a: exhausted after kitchen cleaning. B is still whining. Freckles needs to scoot off to school. There is no bread out. Toasted lunch bread it is. Sent a text to the health station to see if B should go in. Puts tea on

8a: the teenager rises & is unhappy that there is no internet due to lack of chores being done. Passively-aggressively, the bathroom is sort of tidied.

8.30a: B vomits. Emergency cleaning begins. Cold tea is dumped in the sink.

8.45a: Freckles is off to school, B is finally asleep. No word from the health station.

9a: shutting all the lights off in the basement so I can weep. The tears came hard and fast. I take a few deep breaths and rationalise that I need more sleep. Send Therese a message to cancel our meeting today.

9.15a: cold water meets face.

9.20a: girl, you got this.

9.25a: new tea is made. Gentle chit chat with the teenager.

9.45a: vomitus.

9.55a: back in bed.

11.30a: dr says to let it ride out a few days.

12.30p: potato chips & vitamin c water ftw.

12.50p: bath with B & a huge pink fizzy thing from Lush. I pretended I was a mermaid. Again.

1.30p: B naps.

2.30p: Freckles is home & is in a mood.

4p: pizza buffet at egon (I ate ice cubes).

5p: Freckles meltdown. J hid his mobile.

6.30p: everyone has been fed, washed & loved.

6p: several zucchini breads in the oven for future breakfasts.

6.30p: crazy thunderstorm!

7p: teenager & I watch John Oliver & some Michael Jackson video we have never seen.

7.30p: Freckles bedtime.

8.30p: watching Cosmos & knitting. Tried eating again (nope).

9p: delightful music chit chat with an e-friend + evening chores.

9.50p: meditation + before bed ritual.

10p: reading.

11.15p: finishing this post.

11.45p: bed.