take a seat

I am doing my best.
I try to be a good mum, a decent friend and a patient significant other. The first two, come quite naturally. I listen to the children. I allow them the space to have their say (even if I disagree). I have meaningful relationships with my mates (except one. I think she is a prat but everyone is afraid to ditch her because she is VERY needy and insufficient).

I cannot be patient with Will for much longer.

Yeah, I know that sounds awful. He is finally getting himself together. He is in therapy and his classes start tomorrow. It only took two and a half YEARS.

FUUUUUUUUCK.

I have been pretending the past weeks to be A-OK with moving through each day as if nothing every happened. I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut (85% of the time, anyway). “JUST BE HAPPY”, he has been told. Uh huh… easy for you to say. “JUST GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON”, is his constant summary to me. He does not know what to do to sort out what he has broken. My choice is to suck it up and put my big girl pants on and paste a fake smile on my face OR I can tell him to leave.

And I have. Several times. He makes me feel worse for wanting this to end. I have given him 1100 “one more try​”. Nothing ever changes. O,​h wait, no, that is not true. I CHANGE. I have lost hope completely. The few things I found happiness or humour or insight in are lost. I do not care a lick about anything besides making sure everyone has what they need. The depression has not lifted, I have just gotten better at playing make-believe (which is ironic! FAIRYTALES DO NOT EXIST, MELINDA!).

 

thick girls

What was once called just plain old “fat” has been upgraded to “thick”. In most people, thickness is a reasonably ‘good’ adjective. They like thick steaks, penises & wallets. How does one look at themselves as a “thick girl” versus a “fat girl”?
 
It appears it is the opinion of men that validate us.
 
Thick women are OK to be sexualised. Fat women are matrons. I know a good amount of “over”-weight women and I would say most of them fit in the “mom” category. They do not have much of a style, nor do they care very much about their outward appearance. Society tells us that this sort of woman is a lost cause – staid​ if you will. They are invisible to men. They do not endure catcalls​. No-one opens the door for them (even if they have their hands full). They are the fruit that fell on the ground and has since begun to go back to earth.
 
Social media has taught me that youth + thinness is the only true beauty.
 
Now, thickness can be sexy, but not exactly beautiful. You cannot be both. I read comments on how pretty these said thick women were. No-one called them true beauties. Or breathtaking. The comments lingered around “more cushion”, etc. These men would not marry these women but they would hook up with them. You know, like that joke about the fat blonde and the scooter (“they are fun to ride but you would not want your friends to know”). Obesity is on the rise and men still need to get their dick’s wet so it is perfectly acceptable now to find anyone over a size 12 to be fuckable! Hooray!

Note to self: STOP GOING TO TWITTER FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.