In my quest to live in the present, I am trying to learn to listen to my thoughts passively, instead of letting them tell me how to think, act or feel. It is rather tricky to be a spectator in your own head.
Thought #1: “Why does my mother only contact me when she wants something?”
Thought #2: “What am I going to eat for breakfast?”
Thought #3: “How permanent are the words ‘good-bye’?”
Which of these can be sorted out in the present? Right. Porridge. The others? I am aware I have no control of these situations. I just have to deal with them as they occur in my present.
Would I like to change these things? Of course. I would enjoy having a friendly chit chat with a recently dissolved friend. It would be awkward, though, if my mother got on board and just loved me. I am not delusional, I know what is possible & what is not. Mostly.
I was doing my homework a few hours ago (Lu is home with the sniffles so I am housebound today). Reading has become such a joy – the words dance off the page into my consciousness. I comprehend like I have never before. It has nothing to do with removing toxins from my life. It has everything to do with my new sense of enlightenment. I try not to talk about it too much with other people, I realise how it is going to make me sound (and it will fill up my hippy quota for years to come).
I just feel… Happy. Not because someone is in my life that makes me that way. Or due to a newly acquired possession.
I just am.
I am not seeing the forest just for the trees. I see the life within the trees. The bird’s nests left from last summer. The magpie’s feet prints left in the snow. The small bits of green that dare to shoot up from the earth.
I was once told I was a shining light that shone brightly amongst deadened life. I thought it was a weird thing to say to me, Miss Melancholia Goth Girl.
And I glow.
I feel that light now. I am not sure if I denied its presence before or if I am just starting to see myself differently. Either way,
I plan to shine on.
“Darkness cannot survive in the light.”