Tue. May 17th, 2022

This post is hard for me to write but necessary so meow with me a second, okay?

I know he did not ignore me because he is mean or avoidant or anything like that. He hid because he thought he was ready but he was not. He brought me close and pushed me away and probably felt bad about it. He did not mean me any harm. It did not translate into that he did not care, quite the opposite really. It never had anything to do with me. It was about him.

Unfortunately, he did not have the emotional articulation to tell me this so I thought the worst (of us both) and I unravelled (you guys know what happened, you were here). I learned another new behaviour because I was told to do something that was not natural to me.

This one, unlike the others, has proven to have some benefits.

it has been questioned why I cannot learn lessons in a controlled, kind way like some people do. I do not have an answer for that. Maybe I would not be able to learn that way? Maybe I am too stubborn to absorb information without a struggle?

In any case, I have learned some self-restraint. I really did not have much before. Now I think before I do things – yeah, I am told this is a total autistic trait.

I just got so tired of being shut down & ignored.

But I do not believe he did it to be spiteful. What I know about him tells me that there is not a mean bone in his being. He just shuts off all of the switches and retreats.

A conscientious kitten that makes sure the gas is off before scooting under the sofa. This was my mistake – thinking he was treating me the way that he was because he was trying to inflict harm on me.

I never did anything to him so why would he do that? Well, what did I ever do to any of them?

 

right. Now you understand.

Getting him to open up has been rough. I thought it was a solely a trust thing, but I do not know that he has the emotional depth to say what he feels (which I fucking get 100%). That gets exhausting and it is easier to pretend you have nothing to say or give or hey, it has really been that long since I have talked to you wow.

It is not personal. It is just how each day goes.

Add family, friends and a huge work schedule and fucking hell you have a mess that even someone with direction has an issue with.

and what is a relationship? Sometimes needing to think of someone else besides yourself.

And a relationship with me?
dear hearts, let us not gloss this over: I am FAN-tastic, yes, but I am not an easy human. even when you remove the, “I am not looking for a step-dad” (auto-correct turned that into “step-sad” and I laughed myself into TEARS), I still have kids. I am not a simple woman to get involved with.

Not. Simple. 

let me fix that: I am the best thing that will happen to the right human. No one has really ever given me the chance, but I live with myself 24/7 & I am rad. I can write myself a convincing reference if needed.

I chased this one for several miles down a road but not for the reasons one chases someone – I am not a fox and he is not a rabbit. We are both felines and neither of us have found our place in this big, daunting world yet. I thought maybe we could nap under the same hedges for safety because two is always better than one.

I think he is finally starting to understand that and me and hallelujah to that.

Patience is something I have always had.